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In Loving Memory of Colin Michael Zanger. You will be never forgotten. [entries|friends|calendar]
RaychuLL ♥

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December 30th, 2007

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.


December 9th, 2007
[ mood | crazy ]

fuck everyone, and everything.

i don't care how bad shit has gotten.
because i'm happy!! [: eeeee!

i love my life.
that's all.
so fuck everyone that's trying to mess it all up for me. all i can say is screw you, because i'm not letting anything bring me down.


December 1st, 2007

 Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams


November 18th, 2007


Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone.
Tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone.
Feel your heart, it breaks within your chest now;
Try to get some rest now, sleep's not coming easy for a while, child.


November 10th, 2007
[ mood | sore ]

Ohh man, I don't know what I'm doing! The one thing that is supposed to be going great in my life just.. isn't.  Ughh, this sucks.

At this point, I can't tell if things are slowly getting better or worse. I think I have an idea of which way though..


And have I ever mentioned how much I hate the cold? I hatehatehate it. 

On a lighter note, I love school [: I'm having so much fun! Hopefully I continue to do well.

And on a darker note again, I absolutely hate when history repeats itself. Not once, not twice, but just over and over and over again. And I can't beleive how blind people can be. It truely makes me sick.

To another awkward moment.
You look at me, I look at you.
Things will never be the same.


November 1st, 2007

okay, seriously now.. what the hell did i do to deserve this bad of karma? i really can't deal with another round of this shit.

hah, i hate my life.



October 30th, 2007
[ mood | blah ]

 It's sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part
of your life. How you used to be each others world, and now you can barely even look at them.


October 29th, 2007
[ mood | crappy ]

 hi lj! i missed you! i've decided i'm gonna come back to you!!! yey!!!

soo, let's see, it's been a few months. summer came and went. it had it's ups.. and many many downs lol... drama drama drama. all of my relationships are soo messed up right now. i've screwed some things up pretty bad. the one person that i used to idolize soo much hates me.. i don't even know my best friends anymore... and the one person that i care about more than anything in this world sees right through me these days. and i feel like when he actually does see me, he's only disappointed. ughh.

i've also been really irresponsible lately and i haven't been treating my body all that well, and i keep passing out and stuff.. and i passed out like harddd core twice this weekend. not good ]: but i'm trying to get better and stuff. sara's phsycic was right.. at least i'm not shooting up heroin or anything like i thought i was gonna be doing, LOOOLLZZZ.

i'm really nervous.. like all the time. i always feel like my heart's in my throat, and my hands are always real cold and shakey. i don't know why i'm so nervous these days, but i hate it.

halloween in two days, something to look forward to? 
and get to see t3h b0yfr13nd this weekend, definitly something to look forward to [:


May 12th, 2007
[ mood | nervous ]

ohh man.
what am i doing?


April 24th, 2007
[ mood | stressed ]


i've never been so stressed in my life.

seriously, this is wayy too overwhelming.

i can't do this.


March 11th, 2007
[ mood | crappy ]

i truely hate how the internet connects us all.

i hate how the pattern goes-
1. oh, i guess i'll look at his facebook.
2. maybe his pictures.. hmm, he looks good.
3. who's this girl in all his pictures?
4. back to main profile- "in a relationship".
5. now back to his pictures- wow, she's pretty. really pretty.
6. i wonder if he ever thinks about me.
7. should i message him?- anything to get attention again.
8. no, he's forgotten all about me.
9. let's look at all the old pictures of us together.. oh look, one of us kissing.
10. instantly depressed for the next week.



March 6th, 2007
[ mood | sick ]

i hate dirty girls.
seriously, it just makes me sick to look at them.


March 3rd, 2007
[ mood | dirty ]

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse.


February 25th, 2007
[ mood | drained ]

oh my goodness. 
i'm so not ready to take on the stress of school again.
ugh, i'm gonna fail and die.

but i must say this was a rather good break.
i got to see alotttt of people i missed.
it was just.. fun.

although there is something that's been kinda putting a damper on my life lately.
i'm actually starting to get scared.
chris really needs to come home and take care of these things for me again.

i hope everyone had a good break ++goodnight <3


February 23rd, 2007
[ mood | weird ]

nothing makes me more sad and disguisted than a "friend" who ditches you only to pretend they're someone they're not.
it just makes me so.. sad. that's all i can say.

whooo. going to visit chris at kzoo tomorrow with jake michigan ranger.

i can feel my pulse in every part of my body right now, and i think i might throw up.

gee, i hope i don't die. i'm kinda looking forward to the weekend with my boys.


February 15th, 2007

okay. seriously.. LOVE.

whoo for TV-10!


February 12th, 2007
[ mood | i miss you. ]

I still stand here waiting,
with my eyes fixed on the road,
and I fight back tears and I wonder,
if you're ever coming home,
don't you know that I love you,
and I don't care where you've been,
so please come home.


February 10th, 2007
why can't you just stay forever?

February 4th, 2007
[ mood | annoyed ]

okay. seriously. people need to be shot.
i really have no intention of ever talking to him ever again.
..so fucking immature.


i can't help it.. i live in the past. [Wednesday
January 31st, 2007
[ mood | exhausted ]

i miss january 15, 2006.
i decided that it was the best night of my life. and it was one year and sixteen days ago. slightly depressing.
so many amazing things happened in result of that night. but alot of those things are also gone.

i miss the orriginal techno dance party.
i miss passing out on chris's fouton while him and jon play ninja gieden for 7 hours.
i miss driving around with the boys on rainy days.
i miss matt.. i wish he didn't join the air force.
i miss having chris home, and going over there at the drop of hat and him just being there.
i miss having jake michigan ranger home all the time to play battle ship with me.
i miss chris bringing me hot chocolate every time a stupid boy broke up with me, or i was just having a bad day.
i miss feeling completely loved.
i miss every crazy moment spent with rebecca.
i miss mr. hutchinson locking me in the bathroom three times.
i miss jon and chris leaving me fun messages in "meat wad" voices.
i miss not giving a damn about what i looked like when i hung out with the boys.
i miss chris driving over here just give me a hug, even when he had to leave for chicago in twenty minutes.
i miss chris and jake being here to tell me what to do when it comes to guys.
i miss cramming 20 people in chris's basement.
i miss rebecca mollesting me in her sleep on crazy drunken nights.
i miss having a good boyfriend.
i miss watching aqua teen with drew.. and having our first "romantic moment" durring it.
i miss taking naps with rebecca.
i miss just sitting on the porch with chris and talking till it was time for us to go to school.
i miss every single moment spent with every single person who quickly became the people i love most in this world.

why did tose moments have to die? why did everyone have to leave?
i just wish that we had the same PAZAZZ we used to. where we would just be like "hey, let's go on an escapade tonight!" and it would be the best night of our lives.
i just miss being happy. and it's not even that i was happy all the time but when i wasn't.. my best friends always had some way of being completely amazing, and made everything better.

i miss this more than anything.


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